A colleague once grabbed my butt in 2014. I was livid. When I confronted him, he downplayed it telling me to calm down, it was just a harmless ‘spank’. Like wtf, you grab someone’s butt and then tell them to calm down? As always rumour travels fast, when a couple of colleagues got wind of the story instead of disapproving what this idiot did, they blamed me. Questions such as are you sure you weren’t dropping any hints that you were interested, what were you wearing and every other B.S men think of when they are inappropriate with women.

I really don’t like people who are touchy-feely. It’s disgusting. This is one of my biggest pet peeves especially at the office where I spend most of my day.

Here goes my list of the 10 most annoying people you will meet in a Kenyan office. I think they are the same type of people you will meet in all offices around the world.

10. The Rude Receptionist

Put your hand up if you have never encountered a rude/mean receptionist in your life. In most instances, if an office has two receptionists, one of them is satan’s assistant, an enemy of progress.. If you have been job hunting, dropping your CV from office to office you can tell this tale all too well.Sec Mtiaji-02

9. The overly touchy

There’s always that one guy at the office women tend to avoid because he can’t keep his hands to himself. He will touch your face, neck, arms, tug at your hair(people actually think coz I have dreadlocks they can do whatever with my hair), hug every girl, planting wet kisses on their cheeks.  There’s a sense of familiarity at the office because guys spend too much time together but having some boundaries is important. I don’t even know where your hands have been.

8. Always Moody

It’s okay to have a bad day because we all do. If you leave me feeling like I need to buy a mood detector when around you, then I’m better off avoiding any interaction with you. We all have problems that we check at the door, so no need to be grumpy all day. Dealing with moody colleagues is just tiresome.

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7. The Greedy Coworker

I was having a discussion with a close friend who works in Upperhill about some of the most annoying habits in their office and i didn’t know tea and food played such a huge role. Guys, if your office makes tea, don’t drink five cups yet your Luhya brothers haven’t had any. If you’re the lady grabbing 5 slices of pizza when your company buys lunch without a care in the world what the others will eat, don’t be selfish.

6. Mr. Messy

This person never cleans after themselves. He is the one person whom the kitchen lady is always complaining about because his dirty cup is moulding away at his desk.  He will eat cake and leave crumbs all over your computer, used serviettes etc. They are closely related to the stinker.

5. The Stinker

I once asked a colleague to tell his friend to do something about his sweating. I even offered a few solutions. Tell him to buy antiperspirant maybe. Drink more water. Find out which fabrics suit people who sweat extra. Wear clean socks daily. Buy some breath freshener and the list is endless. He said that he wouldn’t know how to broach the subject. Men who wear the same shirt/t-shirt unwashed thrice in a week need to style up. Ladies, if you’re nursing a vagina infection, experiencing some really smelly discharge…please get treated and wear proper underwear while at it. Sitting next to a smelly colleague can really ruin your day.

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5. The pathological liar

Guys, cmon we are not in high school anymore where people literally lied about everything. It’s so ludicrous that a grown ass woman would lie about weekend plans….lol. The pathological liar doesn’t know when to stop. If a lie gets them to the top, the better.  They aren’t afraid to say something that may cost you – getting you fired as he/she climb the ladder. They are closely related to the rumour monger. They will lie just to wreck havoc at the office.

4. The horny boss

He is always making lewd comments about your fine ass. Checking out every woman who passes by his desk. He is up in the DM asking you out for after work drinks. Or he is straightforward with you…..I know you need the job and I need some action, so it’s fair trade. To think how much you hustled to find that job……

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2. The serial borrower

They borrow anything. Pens, paper, tea bags, food, alcohol. The song is usually nibuyie soda, nibuyie drinks, nibuyie shots, nibuyie sausage, samosa….. can we share your lunch? In my former office, a group of colleagues nicknamed the serial office borrowers, OMBA OMBA FC. Nobody is perfect, it’s perfectly fine to ask for something, but if you’re a perpetual borrower, check yourself. I like how guys at my office usually say…..kwani yeye hulipwa mawe?

1. The Gossiper

Fact: we all gossip.  But there’s that one colleague who keeps the rumour mills going. The serial office gossiper/rumour monger has really perfected the art.  They gossip more than they work. The gossiper talks about anyone and everything to anyone who cares to lend him/her an ear. He is the guy who’s telling our 2017 intern at the desk how ‘Mary the IT girl who already left the company was chipod by the manager in 2014 and her lady parts were smelly.

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Illustrations by IAN NJUGUNA (He is a visual story teller do check out his Instagram.

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